Annieís Advice Column
Having Fun and Keeping Dumb Humans in Their Place
Hi!! Iím Annie, or Princess Annie to you lesser beings (humans).
Upon arriving in your new
home, it's important to set up boundaries and establish your place as the
head of the kennel. In doing this, itís important to be firm with your
humans. Give them jobs to do like providing dinner and water or brushing
and combing you. Itís also good to allow them spaces of their own, like the
very farthest end of the sofa in front of the TV. However, you may have
problems with them that should not be tolerated, like when mine come into
the room with my penned in, play area and start preparing their food. (Itís
my room and not their ďkitchenĒ as they keep calling it.) They have such
nerve. Whatís even worse, sometimes they cause me to wake up from my nap.
What are they thinking about? I need my sleep. (This is as opposed to me
waking them up at all hours of the night which is perfectly normal and
I try to keep my humans
on a schedule. I like my breakfast early, so I usually get them up before
the sun comes up. After eating and having my morning water, they insist on
taking me outside for a while. I have no idea why, so I just look up at
them with a quizzical expression on my face as if to say, ďWhy are we out
here?Ē Eventually, they give up and take me back to my bedroom (or crate as
they call it) and go back to sleep. We usually repeat this going outdoors
several times. It makes me so crazy that I have lost control of my
functions outdoors which, for some reason, makes them incredibly happy.
(Sadists!) Everyone knows that thatís why we have indoor floors.
Speaking of sadistic,
they took me to see a veterinarian who had all sorts of forms of torture.
She and her puppies stuck needles in me and poured something in my nose and
some foul tasting liquid down my throat. (As opposed to 'fowl', which I
hear tastes pretty good.) The worst of it is that it was so unexpected.
The vet and her puppies started out by worshipping me as they should. Then,
ďbamĒ, the torture began. Can you believe it?
And, if that wasnít bad
enough, someone brought a mountain lion into the vetís office. Well, maybe
it wasnít exactly a mountain lion, but it looked like one except it was gray
and kind of striped. I would have bitten it, but I believe in interspecies
I was outside the other
day and Gizmo, the white peekapoo, came by. We sniffed each other
thoroughly, and then I climbed on his head. Remember, it is important to
establish dominance, even with other dogs. Gizmoís bigger than I am for
now, but that didnít stop me making sure he knew who is in charge. Soon
Iíll be bigger than he is, and he will have to do my bidding.
Saturday, my humans had
some other humans over to eat with them. (I find this sharing of food to be
strange, but humans are such odd creatures.) The older ones were very
disrespectful. They barely petted and fawned over me (like only a few times
for just a few minutes). However, the medium-sized humans, grand puppies I
think, worshipped me properly by giving me the attention I am due. On
Sunday, my humans disappeared for OVER TWO HOURS!! Who said they were
allowed to leave? I had a present for them in the middle of my pen when
they got back, and I donít mean a chew toy.
Finally, I highly
recommend a list of priorities to follow each day. My list includes the
- Eat breakfast
- Early morning nap
- Teethe on fingers of
- Morning nap
- Play with one of the
zillions of toys female human brings me
- Late morning nap
- Teethe on watch band
of male human
- Pre-dinner nap
- Post dinner nap
- Play some more
- Teethe on male humanís
- Evening nap
- More play
- Bed time
Now if I can only get
them to stop carrying me outdoors. I keep showing them the places I want to
use in the house, but they donít seem to get it. I have to admit that it is
fun when I use the lawn and they get so crazy happy. Humans are really
strange ducks. (I hear duck tastes good, too.) However, Iím sure that Iíll
get them properly trained eventually.